Category Archives: Relationships

Uncle’s Tea

My Uncle's TeaMy father’s only brother was ten years younger than my father. As a traditional older brother, my father felt a strong sense of responsibility for him. So when my uncle turned twenty, my father began to try to find him a wife. My uncle refused to get married and ran away.

Many years later, my uncle resurfaced again. He had become a monk and lived on Wu Zhi (“Five Finger”) Mountain in northern Taiwan, in a cave that he had chiseled out of the rock mountain by himself. The only memory I had of him from when I was young was his annual visit to our home.

He would always come late in the afternoon on the day of the winter solstice. He would arrive before dinner. He was an vegetarian and ate mostly fruits and nuts. For dinner my mother would serve him a plain piece of white tofu sprinkled lightly with salt. After dinner, he would continue to chat and have tea with my father. When we went to sleep, he would close his eyes, sitting on a rattan chair in our living room. When we awoke in the morning, he would already be gone.

This was how things went every year throughout my student years. On my uncle’s visits, my father would always give him a few pounds of very special tea – the oolong tea that farmers normally kept for their own use. My father could always manage to get some from a farmer with whom he was a close friend. My father called this tea “ten-steeping oolong,” since it could be steeped ten times and still be potent.

When I was about to leave for the United States to continue my graduate studies, my father told me that I should pay my uncle a visit before I went abroad. Over the years, my older brothers would describe my uncle’s cave temple, which always aroused my curiosity, but I’d never visited him. At last, I took the journey.

It was an hour train ride and then three more hours by bus on a bumpy country road to the nearest village, where I spent the night. Then, on the morning of the second day, I hiked up to the temple.

Upon arrival, I was surprised to see not a cave but a newly built temple. When I asked a young monk in the temple about my uncle, he said, “Oh, the Master doesn’t live here. He still lives in the cave. After the temple was finished last year, we tried hard to get him to move here, but he prefers to stay in his cave.”

The young monk led me to the rock cave about a five-minute walk from the new temple, at the base of a sharply rising rocky hill. The entrance was about two meters high and three meters wide, but the inside was very spacious. As we entered, the young monk told me that when the temple was finished the year before, they had also managed to bring electricity to the cave. I was impressed at how much space my uncle had managed to clear out with just a hammer and chisel, and I wondered how long it had taken him. But as soon as I saw my uncle’s smile, I forgot my questions.

My uncle didn’t seem surprised at my visit. When I presented him with the tea my father had sent, he smiled broadly and immediately turned on his electric tea kettle. I noticed that he had a nice gong-fu tea set – a typical Yixing purple clay pot with small cups – on a rock table. It was not really a table, but a shelf of rock that he had left in place when he carved away the rest of the cave.

When the tea kettle whistled, he rinsed and warmed the pot and cups with boiling water, opened the package I’d brought, and scooped tea into the pot. Gently he covered it with the lid and shook the pot, then he removed the lid and smelled the leaves – and passed the pot to me to smell as well.

“This must be from the spring harvest,” he said. Then he poured the hot water into the pot. I was very familiar with the process, since I had seen my father do this every day, but I was struck with how smoothly and economically my uncle moved. I could tell that he was an experienced tea drinker.

While we were drinking the tea, he did not say much; I found that I was doing most of the talking. It was a strange feeling. We had never been that close, and I was surprised to find myself talking so much. Most of the time, he just smiled quietly, nodding his head occasionally. As we finished one steeping, he would make the next.

At one point, I asked him if there was any advice he might have for me. He nodded, sat quietly a moment, then took off the lid of the tea pot and started to clean the leaves out of the pot.

“Uncle!” I said, “We have only finished the fifth steeping. This tea is good for at least ten steepings.”

My uncle looked into my eyes, and for the first time I realized how gentle his gaze was. “I know,” he said, and went on emptying the pot.

I expected him to say something more, but he didn’t.

After I came to the United States, I would occasionally remember how my uncle had stopped at the fifth steeping and puzzle over why he had done so. He was definitely a connoisseur and knew the tea was good for many more steepings. Many years later, after I had been in the working world for a long time, and my uncle had passed away, I began to realize what he may have meant to tell me: Everything has a beginning and an end, and from beginning to end everything goes through a series of stages. For the tea we had been drinking, the fifth steeping was the peak – the stage of greatest richness and abundance. He was, I think, telling me to stop at the peak and let it go, rather than stretching things out forever, hanging on to each little bit of flavor. As humans, when we reach a peak, we often try to hold on and stretch the peak out for as long as possible. We forget that this moment, like all others, is transitory. With holding on comes regret.

Often we see politicians who achieve power and never want to let go, holding on until they fall in disgrace. This is true for many people in all walks of life. It is better to let go when you are at your prime instead of clinging persistently to past achievements, so that you will be remembered at your best.

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Money, the Ultimate Testing Tool for Relationships

Money symbolI was the youngest son among eight siblings (5 boys, 3 girls). In my childhood in Taiwan, my family was relatively well off. That was right after World War II. There were food shortages after the war. But we were fortunate because we had a big farm and hired many farm workers. So, we had plenty to eat.

In 1949, when the Communist Party took over China, many refugees came to Taiwan from China. Because we had a big farm, my father took in many of these refugees, who became permanent guests. Many of them were intellectuals, or people with special talents or skills.

In later years, so that his children could have a better education, my father sold the farm and our family moved to a small city. There, he began to get into business, by providing consultations including feng shui. Because he was very knowledgeable, people consulted him on all sorts of things.

Being a very open-hearted and generous man, my father would always welcome many guests (mostly relatives from the countryside) who would come to visit, and stay for lunch and dinner. I was very close to my father, as Chinese tend to dote on their youngest sons. And I spent a lot of time with him when I was not in school. I remember these times fondly. Up to this time, our family had a very comfortable living.

Later though, my father’s business life became a rollercoaster.   All the ups and downs naturally affected our living. Even though he was very knowledgeable about herbs, for a long while he could not cure his own sickness. These were very trying times but he kept things close to his chest.

When I turned 18, my father told me: “You are an adult now, and you should be responsible for yourself.” After that, he hardly ever asked me anything about what I was doing. Even if I stayed up very late at a classmate’s house, he did not worry, knowing that I would not do anything I shouldn’t. (Remember, at that time we did not have telephones, and certainly not cell phones.) I never disappointed him.

One day when I was 21, in my second year of college, my father took out his private reserve, a nice home-made rice wine, and invited me to have a drink with him. And then he told me something I have never forgotten.

He said, “Soon you will leave school and enter society. You will be involved with all kinds of people, in a social circle far larger than just your brothers, sisters and relatives, classmates and friends. You will know colleagues and business partners. You will be involved in many kinds of relationships. How can you know the genuineness and depth of the relationship? One day you might be surprised to find that your best friend, lover, or business partner is not as truthful as you thought. You might find you have been betrayed; you might be very disappointed, and even get angry. How can you know beforehand whether people are truthful, dependable, shallow or deep? The way to find out is through money. When there is money involved, you will know.

What people are most attached to is money. When money is involved, people reveal the truth of their values and their relationship with you. Whether you ask someone for help, or whether you have money issues with someone, you will find out the truth.

When you are in real need and ask for help, you will find all kinds of responses. Some friends may be very rich but avoid you; some may be not so well off, but go out of their way to help you. A lover may stick with you for a long time or exhaust their loyalty after a while.

This is not just among friends. It happens between husband and wife, among brothers and sisters, parents and children, relatives, and among business partners. It is always easy to find examples of children fighting bitterly over an inheritance, partners fighting for a better share of profit, dear lovers saying goodbye when one of the lover’s financial status changes. People you have helped might go out of their way to help you; others may no longer stop by. Money is the best test for the truth of a relationship.”

I listened very attentively and understood this must be from his rollercoaster life experience. But what has left an impression on me most was his second piece of advice:

“Use money to test relationships, to find out what is real, and what to expect. So you will not be surprised or disappointed. But don’t take it any further: don’t make unnecessary judgments. Whether people are generous or stingy, sympathetic or unsympathetic, supportive or not, just take this as a way of knowing who they are and how they react in the situation, without false expectations. Everybody walks on his own path of development. Sometimes you may wonder why a person who is well-off cannot come forward to help. Some people may be rich in money but not rich in heart. Get to know people, treat people the way they are. Do not be surprised by other people’s actions. When you do not have false expectations, you will not be disappointed.”

My father was a great person, a great father. Of all the things I learned from him – feng shui, herbal medicine, energy work, face reading and so on — this is the advice I remember most.

Chopsticks and Marriage

The next time you step out for Asian food, think about how marriage life should be like a pair of chopsticks. In many ways, the two are similar.

1.  Chopsticks are always used in pairs just as it takes two people to make a marriage.
2.  A pair of chopsticks picks up the foods together, whether they are sweet, sour, spicy, or salty. Similarly, a husband and wife go through life together—for better or for worse, in good times or in hardship.
3.  To be able to pick up the food easily, the ends of chopsticks should always be even just as in a smooth marriage, the husband and wife should be equal.
4.  In picking up food, you always move one chopstick and keep the other steady, yet the two chopsticks change roles from time to time. It’s better for a couple to have one take the lead in decision making with the other supporting the decision. The lead role should change based on the nature of the decision. When both fight for decision making on every matter, there will be problems.
5.  Though chopsticks can be made from a variety of materials such as wood, bamboo, plastic, or metal, the pair will always be the same; you do not mix wood with metal or plastic with bamboo. A husband and wife should be compatible in their values, vision, educational and social background to have a good marriage.

So when you are eating Chinese food, take lesson from the chopsticks for your marriage life!